Exploration of The MIND

A journey of discovery

Pursuit of HAPPINESS

field-of-flowers

As i drift amongst my thoughts
I flourish with excitement
for the future bears good things to come
This creative process is a journey i relish
as i lay the path to my destiny

My sights are high
my mind is set
You can’t stop me now
I refuse to neglect my pursuit of happiness.

                                                Written by Leonie Isaacs

December 17, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , | 3 Comments

Facing my demons

For the past few days i have been battling my inner demons. I have been so frustrated with myself.
A while ago, lets say a year, i got a numerology reading done on the Internet. Not for any reason in particular, i received an email from an astrologer offering me a full numerology reading for free. Name, date of birth etc and so i thought, hey,why not. Anyway, the reading was very insightful, there was a lot on there that i agreed with but it said one thing that i thought was a load of rubbish. Now i can’t recite it word for word but it was along the lines of, “I don’t see things through to the end, I don’t complete tasks”. It was going pretty good up until then, so when i read that I thought, “well that’s not true”. I don’t normally get these kind of readings done, i don’t believe that someone can tell me who I am, so normally i would just say, “Whatever” and forget about it. But since i got this reading it has always played on my mind, and then the other day i realised why. Why it had bothered me so much was because it was true.
Admitting this to myself was really hard, because i am someone who takes great pride in my work,(which is one thing the reading did say and got right) and who is extremely driven by my many interests. I mean, it’s not to say that i have never completed anything i have started, but there are a lot of things that i have started and not completed. I think part of the problem is that i have too many interests, too many things that i want to try, or learn. But MY problem is that before i finish doing one thing I’m beginning another.
Lately i have just been thinking, “do i actually know what i want to do.” I have taken up so many things, and i have done so many different courses, believing that that was the route i wanted to go down and then later realising that it wasn’t or being doubtful as to whether i was making the right decision. Just when i feel like i am getting somewhere discovering more about me, i come to a sudden halt. It’s like i get through one hurdle only to face another. So for the past few day’s i have been angry with myself. I have been constantly asking myself , whats’ wrong with me. But i know the only person who can fix this is me.  I have got a lot of thinking and a lot more learning to do. A lot more to learn about myself.

December 6, 2008 Posted by | Personal stuff | , | 2 Comments

The good ol’ days (part 2)

Whilst thinking about what i told you last night, i became exceptionally proud. That is the first time that i have spoken about my school days in that sense. I have never revealed to anybody how i actually felt when i was growing up. I mean i didn’t go into immense detail, there is loads more that i could tell you about my childhood and the challenges that i had to face, (most of which you probably wouldn’t believe) but that is not really the purpose of this blog. Plus i believe that experiences and untold stories from my childhood can be better expressed through my writings, (poetry etc) painting a clearer picture, rather than giving you chapters from my life.

I think the reason i have never told anybody is because part of me felt ashamed for feeling that way. For being one of the kid’s on the outside who had to try and work her way in, and never quite got there. It was somthing i just wanted to forget about, meaning it still affected me. I realsied that being able to share it so freely now, means that i have fully overcome those feelings. Something i thought i had already done.

So i must give myself a pat on the back 🙂

November 27, 2008 Posted by | Personal stuff | , , | 2 Comments

The good ol’ days

school-desk

I was sitting down thinking about….just, random stuff, when the idea for this post emerged. Lately i have been thinking about just how far I’ve come to getting better acquainted with me, myself and I. I have spent so long trying to find Me, and i use the word find because it wasn’t easy and it took a while. Some people are lucky enough to naturally feel comfortable in their skin. Unfortunately i was not blessed in that way, i had to fight my way there.

In school i was a loner. Not by reputation, but inside. I never felt like i fitted in, and believe me, i tried. This was all through my school years. I went to a few secondary schools and quite a few more primary schools, as we moved around quite a bit. Every school comes with categorized pupils. There are the Cool kids, The geeks, The brain boxes, the Loners and then there are the ones that are just sort of wavering between the Cool kids and the Loners. But are closer to the Loners. It was so important for me to get in with the Cool kids, to be seen, to be acknowledged. I knew a lot of the Cool kids, you know occasionally we would conversate, but i was never considered part of the group, and i knew it.
I spent my school years trying to impress people that i know longer even speak to. People that i have not seen in donkeys years. People who felt that being COOL meant judging those that weren’t fortunate enough to be able to afford the latest mobile phone, or pair of trainers. That being cool meant you were superior. But for some reason, to an adolescent at an impressionable stage in her life, that was appealing, and it became something i craved to be a part of. At the time i felt that becoming part of that group would solve everything. It would make me feel complete, but at that time i never realised that my problems were within, and so were the answer to solving those problems. I didn’t know where i fitted in because i was to ashamed to be me. Now i ask myself why? What was wrong with me? And my answer….nothing. So i wasn’t able to afford the latest phone, or pair of trainers, but that didn’t change the fact that i was still me. And yet because i lacked these “essential” MATERIAL things, ME wasn’t noticed. Who i was was not important.

I have battled a lot with my personal appearance as well as trying to understand me. I have had a few eating disorders over the years. Being thin was a passion. I wanted to be beautiful, i wanted to be noticed. I never realised that i was already beautiful. But at the time I was not at the fore-front of my mind. I was not trying to impress me, i was to busy trying to impress everybody else. Everybody who didn’t matter. So there were day’s where i didn’t eat, and after a while my body became accustomed to the stomach pains, that it became more frequent. I wore what i knew my friends would find COOL, but yet was not necessarily what i liked, and i did certain thing’s i knew my friends would be impressed by.

Now i look back at those years and laugh. I have to. I have come a long, long way since then. Now i am not afraid to be me. I do what i do, and i like what i like. I wear what i want, and i say how i feel. This is me, and I’m know longer afraid to show it.

November 26, 2008 Posted by | Personal stuff | , , , | 4 Comments

My re-occuring dream

My Internet connection has been very unpredictable for the past week now which is why i have not been around much for the past few days.
I thought i would share a re-occuring dream with you, that finally came to an end 2 nights ago. Every time I’ve had this dream it seems to reveal a little bit more to the story, anyway like i said it finally reached the end and i was really surprised. I know dreams are not necessary literal,but i can’t figure out what this dream is trying to tell me.
I kind of extended it a little, to sort of put it more into a short story form. The main events are what actually occurred in my dream.

 

I’m lost in an unknown realm. Trapped between a dream and a nightmare. A fortress of my deepest thoughts and desires.
I’m standing at the center of a crossroads. Four routes that determine my fate. The sky is grey and the air is lifeless. The streets are empty, only cluttered with excessive amounts of litter running away from the wind.
Alone and confused i consume my surroundings seeking a clue to my location. The movement of forces in the wind, mentally creates a seed of anxiety in the pit of my stomach which blossoms into an unwelcome feeling of fear.
I run so fast i can know longer feel my feet touch the ground, whilst the distance slowly appears with each forward motion.
Suddenly all is still, the only sound to be heard is the sound of my heavy breathing. I stop and gaze around slowly. Not a single soul in sight. Life here appears to be non existent. There is only me.
Where the hell is everybody? Where the hell am i?

Something…..something doesn’t feel right. No…i feel like someone, somewhere is watching me. I can feel their eyes boring into me. And then faintly i hear them, yeah it’s really faint but i can hear footsteps running, coming.
Forces beyond my control create my legs to move at speeds i never knew they could. I can hear them getting louder and i can feel them getting closer, so i turn off and continue running down an alleyway between two shops. As I’m running the intensity of my fear grows stronger, i feel like i can actually feel my pulse beating. I turn another corner and a sharp pain in my chest forces me to stop. So i stop and take rest against a wall. Once i re-capture my breath i realise that i cant hear anything. Maybe they’ve gone. So many thoughts are racing through my head right now, i can’t hear them.

I lay my head against the wall and admire the sky. To some it may look dark and gloomy but to me, it has a mysterious beauty to it.
For a moment i allow myself to forget about where i am, trying to relieve some of this fear. As i slowly drift back to reality i decide to try and find a way out of here. I glance left then right and instinctively turn left. I walk to the end of the alleyway and turn right onto another street, which coincidentally seems to be filled with more abandoned shops, and a road filled with scattered derelict cars.
I keep walking, slowly scanning the street before me. But still nothing, no sign of The Stranger. Then all of a sudden i feel movement. Movement in the air. Before there didn’t seem to be any air. I could feel it i just couldn’t smell it, and then there’s this strong gust of fresh breeze that comes and disturbs the silent road. I stop and look round, and a familiar feeling rises inside of me. To afraid to wait and see who or what is going to come round the corner, i turn and run. I feel like I’m fighting against the wind, and this time i can’t hear the footsteps behind me, but i KNOW their there. I can feel them.

With that feeling i pick up speed and turn left. I continue running for a short while, when a sudden realization brings my feet to a sudden halt. I realise where i am. Right back at the center of the crossroads, and behind i can now hear the footsteps catching up with me. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep running. I’ve ended up right back at the start of this maze. How do i know that the key to my freedom is not whom i’m running from. So i spin round, waiting to see who turns the corner. And here i am face to face with The Stranger. Face to face with me.

November 19, 2008 Posted by | Dreams | , , , | 3 Comments

Who am I?

I thought that i should give you a little bit of an insight to me, which is why i decided to write this post. 

In the morning i wake exhilarated,excited and ready to create a productive day filled with joy, plenty of laughter and classic moments.
I arise filled with gratitude, ready to embrace the day ahead. I give thanks for every moment and grasp all my classic moments with all my inner strength.
I appreciate God, my family, friends, life, love, and most of all myself.
I have travelled a long way and because of that and all the things i have learnt along the way, i have an even further way to go.But this is a journey that i have created for i choose to be happy.I have discovered me, and i recognize the beauty in life, the beauty that surrounds me.I welcome whoever/whatever chooses to visit my path for the outcome is a choice of my own.

I love…..
rainy days
autumn
daises
the birds who sing over us throughout our day, that go unnoticed
watching the sun enter and leave our day
Marilyn Monroe
most things vintage
might sound a bit strange but i love stationary
gadgets
bright colours
horror films
reading

I am a dreamer,who lives in a world of her own.
I am passionate about achieving my goals and freedom of expression.
I applaud those who embrace life and appreciate everyday.And those who walk dressed with a smile.I believe that life is literally what you make it.You can either choose to live everyday feeling down and depressed about what you haven’t got or start focusing your energy on what you have got, and learning to invite more of it into your life.You write your own book,you create your own path.You tell your own story.

One day i will…..
visit Thailand-some where i have always wanted to go
live in New York for a year or so
take a ride in a hot air balloon-i look forward to conquering this fear
swim with dolphins-once i learn how to swim of course.

I don’t like…..
ignorant people
bias people
dogs
heights
bananas
size 0
negativity
sci-fi.

By mid-day i am always in a very creative state of mind.Looking for more beauty to capture with my camera or to create with words.I love learning new things and taking on new challenges, i get a great feeling of satisfaction out of it.

I’ve always wanted to…..
learn to play the piano and the violin
meet Judy Blume-who i grew up with through her books and am a big fan of
go on a cruise-i will have to conquer my fear of water first though.

I am a…..
mother
partner
sister
christian
writer
artist
free spirit.

In the evening i am relaxed and grateful for a productive day, and spend a reasonable amount of time creating another one for the following day. I am always excited about tomorrow.
I believe that you should stand for what you believe, always stay focused to your dream and never give up dreaming.

Who am i?

I am me.

Singed: Leonie Isaacs

November 15, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | , | Leave a comment