Exploration of The MIND

A journey of discovery

What a HELL of a day!

Today was horrendous.
Now that’s not normally a word i use to describe the events of my day, but in this case i have to make an exception. It was absolutely HORRIBLE, tiring , stressful and it felt like it was never going to end.
Luckily i am not going to bore you with the events of my tedious day. As i sit here curled up on the sofa with a nice glass of wine, finally getting a chance to sit down and unwind, it struck me that despite the horrible events of my day, they led to a really great outcome. A new chapter has begun and a bright future is foreseen.
Remembering a moment this afternoon when amongst the chaos i stopped to take a breath, as things seemed to be getting from bad to worse i just wanted to run away and hide. I knew that today was going to bring about a BIG change for me and my family. 
Today really allowed me to see that sometimes you may have to go through a moment of hell to reach your heaven.

December 12, 2008 Posted by | Personal stuff | , | 7 Comments

Facing my demons

For the past few days i have been battling my inner demons. I have been so frustrated with myself.
A while ago, lets say a year, i got a numerology reading done on the Internet. Not for any reason in particular, i received an email from an astrologer offering me a full numerology reading for free. Name, date of birth etc and so i thought, hey,why not. Anyway, the reading was very insightful, there was a lot on there that i agreed with but it said one thing that i thought was a load of rubbish. Now i can’t recite it word for word but it was along the lines of, “I don’t see things through to the end, I don’t complete tasks”. It was going pretty good up until then, so when i read that I thought, “well that’s not true”. I don’t normally get these kind of readings done, i don’t believe that someone can tell me who I am, so normally i would just say, “Whatever” and forget about it. But since i got this reading it has always played on my mind, and then the other day i realised why. Why it had bothered me so much was because it was true.
Admitting this to myself was really hard, because i am someone who takes great pride in my work,(which is one thing the reading did say and got right) and who is extremely driven by my many interests. I mean, it’s not to say that i have never completed anything i have started, but there are a lot of things that i have started and not completed. I think part of the problem is that i have too many interests, too many things that i want to try, or learn. But MY problem is that before i finish doing one thing I’m beginning another.
Lately i have just been thinking, “do i actually know what i want to do.” I have taken up so many things, and i have done so many different courses, believing that that was the route i wanted to go down and then later realising that it wasn’t or being doubtful as to whether i was making the right decision. Just when i feel like i am getting somewhere discovering more about me, i come to a sudden halt. It’s like i get through one hurdle only to face another. So for the past few day’s i have been angry with myself. I have been constantly asking myself , whats’ wrong with me. But i know the only person who can fix this is me.  I have got a lot of thinking and a lot more learning to do. A lot more to learn about myself.

December 6, 2008 Posted by | Personal stuff | , | 2 Comments

A game of TAG

 tagged1

I have been “tagged” by a friend of mine named Jerry, who might i add, has given me so many words of encouragement and support which i have highly appreciated, and who’s blog i really enjoy following.
The point of the game is to list 8 things about myself that few, if any, people know about me.
Great….. i have struggled to think of what i can tell you, without being to revealing, what i haven’t told you already. I’m sure the point of the game is really a dare to reveal my innermost secrets, which I’m not about to do. I mean…..come on now. But i can give you a “sneak peek” from my little black book of secrets.

  1. I’m a big kid at heart and love watching cartoons, my favourites being, “Tom and Jerry”, “As told by Ginger” and “Arthur”. The only people who know that is my mum and my partner.
  2. I’m quite an emotional person and can easily cry when watching one of my “chick flicks”, or whilst getting caught up in one of my soaps.
  3. I absolutely LOVE Marilyn Monroe. It’s sort of a crazy fascination to be honest, and i have mementos of her all around my flat.
  4. I sleep on the left side of the bed. (couldn’t have it any other way)
  5. Now this is something that NO body knows, i have this weird thing when ever I’m putting my shoes or socks on i always…and i mean always have put the right foot on first, it’s something i have always done. Not particularly fascinating i know, but no one knows that.
  6. I have been looking into courses to learn Portuguese in the new year. I Have always wished that i was fluent in another language, so i thought i should finally take that step and book a course or find a tutor.
  7. I am teaching myself how to watercolour paint. I have not been doing it for very long and can only do it in my spare time, which i don’t have much of but i have thought of an idea where i can link painting with my poetry.
  8. I have always wanted to write children’s books, but i have never really given it enough thought to actually do it. I think i should because i believe I’d really good at it.

And there you are, my 8 mini secrets. I know i am know supposed to tag someone else but i thought i would leave the game open to who ever feels like jumping in and revealing their 8 mini secrets by replying to this post.

December 5, 2008 Posted by | Personal stuff | , , | 2 Comments

Untitled

I’m sinking in an ocean of despair
mixed emotions swim around me
my lungs filling up with immense feelings of disgust
not able to understand how one who was given so much trust could betray hers.

How could you?
How could you rob her of her innocence?
I feel like I’m chocking on revulsion

You hear about this all the time, but when it comes so close you realise just how real it is.
Trying to come to terms with everything seems impossible
for knowing that this is something that is now engraved in her mind shreds me up inside.

What you have done will haunt us all for the rest of our lives
and yet you will go on as if nothings happened, not giving a damn about the pain you’ve caused.

I don’t know where to turn, how to be or how to feel
all i know is everyday, for her i must paint on this smile and build a weight under my shoulder for her to lean on and remain strong
I must remain strong for her.

                                                                   Singed Leonie Isaacs

November 29, 2008 Posted by | Personal stuff | , , , , | 4 Comments

The good ol’ days (part 2)

Whilst thinking about what i told you last night, i became exceptionally proud. That is the first time that i have spoken about my school days in that sense. I have never revealed to anybody how i actually felt when i was growing up. I mean i didn’t go into immense detail, there is loads more that i could tell you about my childhood and the challenges that i had to face, (most of which you probably wouldn’t believe) but that is not really the purpose of this blog. Plus i believe that experiences and untold stories from my childhood can be better expressed through my writings, (poetry etc) painting a clearer picture, rather than giving you chapters from my life.

I think the reason i have never told anybody is because part of me felt ashamed for feeling that way. For being one of the kid’s on the outside who had to try and work her way in, and never quite got there. It was somthing i just wanted to forget about, meaning it still affected me. I realsied that being able to share it so freely now, means that i have fully overcome those feelings. Something i thought i had already done.

So i must give myself a pat on the back 🙂

November 27, 2008 Posted by | Personal stuff | , , | 2 Comments

The good ol’ days

school-desk

I was sitting down thinking about….just, random stuff, when the idea for this post emerged. Lately i have been thinking about just how far I’ve come to getting better acquainted with me, myself and I. I have spent so long trying to find Me, and i use the word find because it wasn’t easy and it took a while. Some people are lucky enough to naturally feel comfortable in their skin. Unfortunately i was not blessed in that way, i had to fight my way there.

In school i was a loner. Not by reputation, but inside. I never felt like i fitted in, and believe me, i tried. This was all through my school years. I went to a few secondary schools and quite a few more primary schools, as we moved around quite a bit. Every school comes with categorized pupils. There are the Cool kids, The geeks, The brain boxes, the Loners and then there are the ones that are just sort of wavering between the Cool kids and the Loners. But are closer to the Loners. It was so important for me to get in with the Cool kids, to be seen, to be acknowledged. I knew a lot of the Cool kids, you know occasionally we would conversate, but i was never considered part of the group, and i knew it.
I spent my school years trying to impress people that i know longer even speak to. People that i have not seen in donkeys years. People who felt that being COOL meant judging those that weren’t fortunate enough to be able to afford the latest mobile phone, or pair of trainers. That being cool meant you were superior. But for some reason, to an adolescent at an impressionable stage in her life, that was appealing, and it became something i craved to be a part of. At the time i felt that becoming part of that group would solve everything. It would make me feel complete, but at that time i never realised that my problems were within, and so were the answer to solving those problems. I didn’t know where i fitted in because i was to ashamed to be me. Now i ask myself why? What was wrong with me? And my answer….nothing. So i wasn’t able to afford the latest phone, or pair of trainers, but that didn’t change the fact that i was still me. And yet because i lacked these “essential” MATERIAL things, ME wasn’t noticed. Who i was was not important.

I have battled a lot with my personal appearance as well as trying to understand me. I have had a few eating disorders over the years. Being thin was a passion. I wanted to be beautiful, i wanted to be noticed. I never realised that i was already beautiful. But at the time I was not at the fore-front of my mind. I was not trying to impress me, i was to busy trying to impress everybody else. Everybody who didn’t matter. So there were day’s where i didn’t eat, and after a while my body became accustomed to the stomach pains, that it became more frequent. I wore what i knew my friends would find COOL, but yet was not necessarily what i liked, and i did certain thing’s i knew my friends would be impressed by.

Now i look back at those years and laugh. I have to. I have come a long, long way since then. Now i am not afraid to be me. I do what i do, and i like what i like. I wear what i want, and i say how i feel. This is me, and I’m know longer afraid to show it.

November 26, 2008 Posted by | Personal stuff | , , , | 4 Comments