Exploration of The MIND

A journey of discovery

The good ol’ days

school-desk

I was sitting down thinking about….just, random stuff, when the idea for this post emerged. Lately i have been thinking about just how far I’ve come to getting better acquainted with me, myself and I. I have spent so long trying to find Me, and i use the word find because it wasn’t easy and it took a while. Some people are lucky enough to naturally feel comfortable in their skin. Unfortunately i was not blessed in that way, i had to fight my way there.

In school i was a loner. Not by reputation, but inside. I never felt like i fitted in, and believe me, i tried. This was all through my school years. I went to a few secondary schools and quite a few more primary schools, as we moved around quite a bit. Every school comes with categorized pupils. There are the Cool kids, The geeks, The brain boxes, the Loners and then there are the ones that are just sort of wavering between the Cool kids and the Loners. But are closer to the Loners. It was so important for me to get in with the Cool kids, to be seen, to be acknowledged. I knew a lot of the Cool kids, you know occasionally we would conversate, but i was never considered part of the group, and i knew it.
I spent my school years trying to impress people that i know longer even speak to. People that i have not seen in donkeys years. People who felt that being COOL meant judging those that weren’t fortunate enough to be able to afford the latest mobile phone, or pair of trainers. That being cool meant you were superior. But for some reason, to an adolescent at an impressionable stage in her life, that was appealing, and it became something i craved to be a part of. At the time i felt that becoming part of that group would solve everything. It would make me feel complete, but at that time i never realised that my problems were within, and so were the answer to solving those problems. I didn’t know where i fitted in because i was to ashamed to be me. Now i ask myself why? What was wrong with me? And my answer….nothing. So i wasn’t able to afford the latest phone, or pair of trainers, but that didn’t change the fact that i was still me. And yet because i lacked these “essential” MATERIAL things, ME wasn’t noticed. Who i was was not important.

I have battled a lot with my personal appearance as well as trying to understand me. I have had a few eating disorders over the years. Being thin was a passion. I wanted to be beautiful, i wanted to be noticed. I never realised that i was already beautiful. But at the time I was not at the fore-front of my mind. I was not trying to impress me, i was to busy trying to impress everybody else. Everybody who didn’t matter. So there were day’s where i didn’t eat, and after a while my body became accustomed to the stomach pains, that it became more frequent. I wore what i knew my friends would find COOL, but yet was not necessarily what i liked, and i did certain thing’s i knew my friends would be impressed by.

Now i look back at those years and laugh. I have to. I have come a long, long way since then. Now i am not afraid to be me. I do what i do, and i like what i like. I wear what i want, and i say how i feel. This is me, and I’m know longer afraid to show it.

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November 26, 2008 - Posted by | Personal stuff | , , ,

4 Comments »

  1. First of all it’s great that you finally realize you are beautiful just the way you are. And I don mean your physical appearance. Your inner beauty is just as important.
    Don’t beat yourself up. It wasn’t you who made all those choices for you: wearing cool clothes, acting the way the “cool” kids expected you to act, starving yourself to get slim, slimmer, smiller some more. It was your teen hormones.
    It’s always the raging hormones that make you do whatever thing to be noticed, acknowledged, accepted and not ridiculed, laughed at or ignored. This is normal, this is what happens to everyone at that age.

    School kids – looking for their place in life. Some get there right away; others take their time to weigh all the pros and cons. You’ve gotten there only now. And that’s fine. You’ve reached one of your goals.

    PS. I must stop posting such long comments.

    Comment by Jerry Adams | November 27, 2008 | Reply

  2. lol, it’s fine your comments whether they be long or short are most appreciated.

    Comment by Leonie | November 27, 2008 | Reply

  3. I’m happy to see you’ve found your true you, though you had to go through harsh times through your school years. It must have been very hard, as I can imagine. I went through hard times as well and I’d agree with Jerry Adams, teenage hormones had a lot to do with it. However, society is sometimes shaped to hurt us (though true pain lies in our hands). Knowing our uniqueness in life creates a shield of protection around us. I guess, just like society can twist the idea of beauty, we have the power to twist pain.

    Comment by The Philosopher | November 27, 2008 | Reply

  4. I just want you to know that I was the same type person and it took me a long while to realize that I was just me. I would often refer to myself as the all around guy, I was the brain box and I played football for 2 years. The thing is I never really fit into the cliques that formed in school. I was just me and these days I am so happy that I have found that. That I have finally come to realize that I am a unique person and being the same as all the other groups wasn’t my style. I look back on those cliques and I look at the people they are today and I realize that I was on the right track from the beginning. Thank you for expressing this part of your life, reading this post helped me to remember why I do the things I do.

    Comment by tjefferson85 | November 28, 2008 | Reply


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